More to the Story

So, a friend from an art class taken long-ago read some of my recents posts and was compelled to email me. I was happy to hear from her... it was a sincere connection. In her email, she wrote that her sister committed suicide many years ago and wondered if perhaps Brenda did also. She also commented on my desire to marry. "There are many groups out there and I hope you can fulfill your life without feeling you have to be married. I know that loneliness is rough, but there are alternatives. It sounds like you make an effort to do things and get involved. That's great - that's the best way to go about it - [btw - good luck on your bike trip]. We are in 2 women's book groups and also an all female RV group - they offer great support and we're always laughing. :-)"

She also commented about holding on or letting go of a dream, "The sermon topic at our church yesterday was "Holding the Dream" - then she added to it, by talking about Letting the Dream go - kind of fits your Blog about marriage. Sometimes our dreams aren't really what's best for us and letting them go is an option. There is a difference between letting go and surrendering, I think"

So, I replied to her and I figured I should post it here.. for the "rest of the story" (Paul Harvey, indeed). If I'm gonna be brave enough to share some pretty intimate things, I better not do it half-way.

Hey (name withheld),

Thanks so much for the email. That is very kind of you to write. Yes, Brenda did commit suicide. It's an awful tragedy, isn't it? Such a permanent solution to temporary problems. True, Brenda's problems were major, but nothing that couldn't be overcome.

Yes, I do have a desire to marry. A longing to be in an intimate life-long love relationship with a man - with Christ as the center. And I do believe God gave me a promise for marriage: way back in March of 2005 – when I was driving to Bakersfield from LA with a co-worker and I saw two rainbows!! I asked the Lord to give me a sign about whether or not I would marry. And He displayed a beautiful rainbow as if to say YES and then I didn't believe myself so I asked Him to do it again and He did a HUGE DOUBLE RAINBOW!!! I even asked my co-worker if she saw what I did and she did!!!

So, in a way, I'm betwixt and between... meaning, it's a slippery slope to believe Him for a promise (which is much more than a dream). Holding onto it tightly, yet holding onto it loosely enough (surrendering it) to trust Him to make all the moves. I believe, but I continually ask the Lord to help my disbelief.

The Lord has shown Himself faithful to me over and over again (and the trials after Brenda's death were many and great). Scripture says what He has for me no eye can see, no ear can hear, no mind can conceive of the goodness that He has in store. But it's a journey of faith, and my devotional this morning said, "great faith must first endure great trials". Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed [Romans 4:18-25]. So, I hang on to the promise, but I cling to the promise giver. So you see, all in all, Christ in me is the hope of glory! I just want to be obedient.

Much love,
Lisa

All for now,
Lisa