A Confession of Longing Like Starvation

I recently referenced these two articles, written by Hudson Russell Davis, who I consider an incredibly brave man.

http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11576008/
http://www.crosswalk.com/11573521/

I thought I'd give you a reader's digest version of these two articles, well, because they're just that good. Here are some memorable lines from both:

A confession of longing does not indicate a lack of faith. It is simply honesty.

Many of us who are single encounter this accusation in speaking with those who have forgotten their time of trial—if they knew a time of trial. It is as though to suffer in silence is more noble, to live with pretence more spiritual, and to smile through the pain more righteous. I smile through the pain. I give and love and serve—but I am also honest.

A confession of longing does not indicate a lack of faith but it may. If we
[paraphrased] let sin fester or don't consider that reality is neither singular
nor local.

I have come as though through briars, torn, bruised, bleeding, and tired. I have a longing inside of me that colors much of what I see, feel, and think. I long to be married with a longing that consumes. I am not desperate, but the longing hurts like starvation should. Relationships have never been easy for me, but I cannot conceive why they have been so hard and why the wait must be so long.

That time has passed and it has grown increasingly difficult to wake up with renewed hope. In fact, it has been difficult to keep my sense of humor and fight the cynicism. This is part of the reality in which I live but not the whole. If these were the only thoughts in my head I would be nothing but hopeless—and I am not without hope. I had no clue it would be so long or so hard but time is not my enemy and waiting is not punishment.

So when this loneliness feels like death, aches like starvation, I confess that I am alive and well fed. No matter the fears that plague me time is not my enemy and waiting is not punishment.

Time is a thief only if I think of what I do not have. Waiting has caused me to dwell on the absence, to focus on the longing, twisting my energies toward solving this one great mystery. The voices in my head may be convincing, but they are the ghosts of insecurities, false expectations, and wrong thinking. These voices that tell me God has forsaken me, that the waiting is in vain, are not of God. The voices that speak discouragement and paralyze my efforts to serve God have come from below. Time has stolen nothing. Each day is a gift. I may mourn the wife and family I do not have, but time is not my enemy and waiting is not punishment.

Time does not lessen truth, but it does weaken confidence and cloud reason. Over time what we know to be true becomes clouded by the continued presence of failure. At least that is the way it feels. At times no one can convince me to view this protracted sorrow as anything other than failure—personal failure. The truth is, where we see no reward—we see failure. My expectations have led me here, and over time they have challenged me. Since things are not going my way, I want time to stop or the waiting to end.

It is hard to say to what degree the desire for a relationship and the setback of failed relationships have affected my self-concept. At times there exists a cavernous space between the way I feel and what is real. Sometimes the line is so blurred I can hardly perceive the difference. This is the penalty of time. That very fertile heart in which hope once grew so wild has, over time, suffered drought. I am sometimes scared to hope, to believe that the longing will ever be fulfilled. But, while God has not promised me a wife, He is a good God, a merciful Lord who loves me. It is He in whom I hope and to Him I bring my tears.

Time is not our enemy and waiting is not punishment. In fact, the more time that passes the more I become certain that I cannot give up. How could I give up when I have waited so long. Who knows, perhaps the green pastures, in which He means to lay me down, is just over the next hill. I have not come this far and waited this long only to stop short or give up.

At times, the reality of disappointment weighs on me, whispers defeat but I have not lost hope. I live a life that is not focused on finding a wife, but on serving my God. And yet I hope someday to feed the hunger, to ease the pain. If I stop here, if I listen to the voices—then time will judge me and I will have my punishment.

All for now,
Lisa